admiration, envy, and dreams.

I have a ton of admiration for women with families. Whether they are working moms or stay at home moms, they do so much through the day including keeping other humans alive. It's got to be one of the toughest and least acknowledged jobs on the planet.

The majority of my friends are one of these women. In fact, out of all my friends, they are the only ones I hang out with. A fact which presents it's own problems, but I'll get to those later. Of my "mommy friends," I've watched how motherhood has changed them and how it's challenged them. Often, I find myself envying them and the lives they have. They're married with their 2.5 kids and beautiful homes they've lovingly decorated.  It's a life I thought I'd have years ago. Trying to be content with my singleness is increasingly difficult when I'm around my dear friends, but I either listen to them talk about their kids' poop or I quit hanging out with them and that's just not an option for me.

For some of them, being a stay at home mom is what they've always dreamed of doing. There's nothing wrong with that. I admire that they visualized a dream and they are living their dream. Some people work their entire lives and never realize their dreams. I don't know if I'll ever realize my dreams. I'm not really sure what my dreams are anymore.

The past six years have changed my life in ways I never thought possible. I look at myself now and have to wonder how did I get to this place. It's as if I've been stuck in the same place for six years and unaware of it the whole time. Now that I've figured that out, I don't know where to go or how to get there. I'm not even sure I know how to take that first step. Sometimes I think about just packing up and leaving town. Going to a place where I can start over without any expectations; past, present or future. But how? I don't have any money and I don't have any idea what I want to be/do. I'm not giving up, I'm just stuck.

This is hard

*It took me a long time to decide whether or not to post this entry. Parts of it may be hurtful to some people and that's not my intention. The whole reason I started this blog was to have an outlet for the physical and emotional stress MS puts on my life along with a place to just express some of my rambling thoughts.*

**I know that there are people in the world that deal with far more serious injuries and illness than I do and they do it much more class and courage than I.**

I've learned that as much as I desire it to be so, I am not much of a writer/blogger. Mostly, I think it is a problem with lack of self-interest. I don't mean I'm not interested in myself (whatever that means), but that I don't find my life all that interesting. My life, in my eyes, is pretty dull and mundane. 

Take this summer for instance. It seems all I do is lounge around the house in an attempt to stay cool. The one thing I struggle with most as a result from my MS is fatigue. The heat of the summer always makes it worse and this summer has been the worst since that first summer after my diagnosis six years ago. WOW, SIX YEARS!!! God has been so good to me these past six years, but with the heat of the summer I just kind of disappear from society. While everyone else is out participating in the world by working, going on vacations, hiking, swimming, jogging, biking, and whatever else there is to do out there, I am stuck inside trying to stay cool. My comfort zone is at about 73.5 degrees and sometimes even just a half degree change in the temperature can start the phases of discomfort. The heat zaps my energy away in no time flat. This year we basically had two or three weeks of spring and then the summer heat moved in. The past month has been down right ridiculous and as my dear friend Denisa put it, it's "stupid hot outside" with temperatures above 100 degrees most of the month of July.  The heat not only drains my energy, but it also completely reinvents my sleep schedule. I sleep all day and I'm up all night. So with the exception of a few weeks, my summer has pretty much consisted of my laying in bed all day with the lights off and the fans blowing over me and not emerging until the sun goes down. Even then it's still too hot to really do much. Thus my life is not any more interesting than a speck of dust. 

There just doesn't seem to be much to write about other than my daily struggle with the disease. I just can't put my brain in that mode of dwelling on the negative, even though I'm sure it would be therapeutic since there isn't really anyone I can talk to about it. My friends haven't been the best at being supportive through this and I can't really blame them. It's not that they aren't good friends, but they just don't want to hear about all the negative aspects and I think they easily forget that I really do have this horrible disease because I don't have "visible" symptoms. They don't realize that we are pretty similar. They talk about their families and about the latest thing their kids have done, because their families are the biggest, everyday thing in their lives. If I don't talk about how I'm doing with my MS then I most often don't have much to talk about, because that's my everyday. I don't have a kid or husband/boyfriend to help make life interesting. I don't go out to clubs or bars to meet new people. The truth is I've never told anyone how I'm really doing. I've heard my friends comment several times on people who "always have something wrong" or are "paranoid." They don't exactly make me believe they really want to hear how I'm doing. As for the other people in my life, either they are obviously not interested, don't want to hear it, or they already worry too much and I just don't feel like I can add to that. I know and am willing to admit that part of these perceptions and feelings are from the depression that often goes along with MS and at times I am a little bit jealous of the lives my friends have. I never ever thought that my life would be what it is and what it is not. Also, I have not talked to my friends about these feelings because that's a conversation I just don't know how to have. Like I said at the top of this thing, it isn't my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I just need to have an outlet where I'm not being judged, where people aren't thinking I just want attention or sympathy. The fact is this life is much harder than I ever thought it would be. 

For now I have to be content and at peace. I will overcome this. I have not and will not give up or give in no matter how hard it gets. It's just hard to block it out all day every day, and every now and then I have to exhale and empty the tank that's been holding it all in. I know that I'm not alone on this journey and that God is always with me, which is enough. As for everyone else, I think eventually we'll figure out how to do this dance. 

RLJ

Tornado Complacency

Around my hometown of Sand Springs and in much of the Tulsa area, we often joke about tornados. In Sand Springs there is a story that has been passed down from generation to generation about an old indian(native american) "blessing" that protects Sand Springs from tornados. This story and the fact that it has been decades since Sand Springs and most of Tulsa has taken a direct hit from an actual tornado, have contributed to a "tornado complacency" here. We've had our fair share of strong, straight-line winds, but not full fledged tornados. Even kids are known to stand outside and watch the storms roll in. I even stood outside and watched tonight.

However, I can't help but remember a trip to Kansas back in May 1999. Mom, Sheila and I had been in Wichita for a soccer tournament. We were on our way home late Sunday afternoon when a small, weak tornado dropped from the sky right on top of us. We were in Kansas, out in the middle of nowhere. For the record, Kansas is flat. I mean, flat. We've always been told to vacate the vehicle and get in a low lying ditch during a tornado, but this time there was no ditch. Kansas is flat, no ditches. Plus, it was hailing with baseball to softball size hail stones. We probably would have been killed by the hail had we gotten out of the van. So there we were sitting in the van on the side of Interstate Highway 35 out in the middle of nowhere, completely exposed as this tornado descended upon us. Visibility immediately went to zero and the van began to move. Not just shake, but physically move from one place to another. The wind was literally pushing us around. All my life I'd been taught and trained for what to do in the event of a tornado and there I was at 15 years of age and unable to do what I'd been taught. As the storm passed and we continued down the highway the road went from gray to green. The tornado might not have been powerful enough to eat us and our van, but it did rip up the sod from the nearby farms and completely blanket four lanes of open highway. We spent the rest of the night trying to out-run the tornados. We made it home 10 minutes before the storm was to hit Sand Springs and immediately headed to Tulsa to my aunt and uncle's house for shelter. Just as the storm approached Sand Springs it lifted, and returned to the clouds. That trip was perhaps the scariest time of my life.

As yet another tornado outbreak stormed across the state today, I watched my facebook newsfeed fill up with jokes and comments displaying the dangerous complacency that exists here. It doesn't seem to matter that communities all around us suffer damage year after year. People here still refuse to heed the warnings. My sister complains about all the "depressing" images on the news from the city of Joplin, MO which suffered a direct hit from a massive tornado just two days ago. My hope is that by showing all those images and telling all of the stories that people will realize the reality of these monsterous beasts. Tornados are no joke. Hopefully these images lingering across my television will lead to lives saved and these twisters will suck up that complacency without sucking up our homes.

Don't pack it away

We've wrapped up another Christmas holiday and are preparing to ring in another new year. Don't pack your Christmas spirit away with your decorations. What would this world look like if everyone maintained the same spirit and attitude we display at Christmas time throughout the year?

God's carefully woven plan left me with $2 and blessed beyond measure

In November my aunt's mother passed away. She asked me to make a video slide show for the memorial service. I did the work without expectations of payment, but my aunt paid me anyway. I thought I'd use the extra money to buy a coat for a children's coat drive we were having at church. I had planned on taking the check to the bank on Tuesday and then going to Walmart afterwards to buy the coat. The Sunday before, I received the Walmart Black Friday circular via email and saw they were going to have the same coat on sale for just $8 on Black Friday. So I decided to wait and buy two coats instead of one.

I went to work that Monday excited about the upcoming holiday and shopping for those coats. After work I had to run to the feed store for some dog food and on the way home the water pump on my car went out. I had $24 and some change in my checking account; not enough for a water pump. First I tried the salvage yard, but they don't sell water pumps. So I checked around and found the cheapest one at Autozone. Tuesday afternoon I took the check my aunt had written me to the bank, which brought the total amount of cash in my checking account to $54. On the way home we stopped by Autozone to get a water pump. My parents were going to help pay for it since I didn't have much money. As the guy rang up the part I wondered how much my parents would have to contribute and was surprised to hear the man behind the counter tell me the total came to $52.

I couldn't believe it! God knew I was going to need that money from my aunt to fix my car, so he orchestrated the black Friday sale on children's coats just to keep me from spending the money before I needed it. He then made sure the amount in my checking account was just enough to cover the cost of the water pump.

While I was happy that I could pay for the water pump myself, I was still quite disappointed that I wasn't going to get to buy any coats for the kids. I thanked God for His provision and asked Him to give the coat drive a double blessing so the fact that I couldn't donate a coat wouldn't mean some kid didn't get a coat. He did just that! Our original goal was to donate 50 coats. After the final count, we had collected 100 coats to donate!

I thought I'd share this story to remind you that God doesn't just answer prayers; He provides for us before we even know there is a need. On top of all of the above mentioned God works, He has also given me several full days of work. I've had the opportunity to work many more days than I normally get this time of year.

This is just one interwoven story of how BIG and MIGHTY my God is and how He has displayed His power to us in recent weeks. God answers prayers; from the unknown to the big to the seemingly insignificant ones. He cares for all of our needs.


Merry Christmas and Happy Miracle Season!

Concussions and why I'm thankful

All the leftovers are just about gone and Thanksgiving is quickly fading into memory as Christmas approaches. This entry isn't about either of those holidays except that it looks back to a moment in my life that I'm still learning how thankful I am that it happened.

I've been watching and reading about the concern over concussions in sports recently. It seems like the sporting world including professional, collegiate, and youth sports have just now become aware of the dangers of concussions.  In recent years a handful of athletes have either died or suffered life altering brain damage due to a concussion. Even Hollywood lost a star when Natasha Richardson died after ignoring the signs of a concussion.

All of the recent attention given to concussions and making sure a player really is ready to return to the field has made me think back to a day 11 years ago. I had suffered my third concussion in three years, all during the course of a soccer game, and was in the doctor's office for a check-up just one week post injury. I was still suffering from headaches and bouts of dizziness so my doc said I had to sit out another week. Another week went by and I was still suffering those side effects. My parents had already mentioned they weren't sure I should play anymore, but I wasn't ready to listen. After my two week post injury check-up didn't result in a clearance to return to the field; my doctor told me that "at some point you have to decide if a game is more important that your life." I asked what he meant by that and he told me that he could not guarantee that I would survive another blow to the head and if I did I would most likely suffer significant brain damage. I sat there and took in what he had just said to me. When I told him my parents wanted me to quit playing. He said he thought that was a good idea. That was a Friday and on Monday I had to tell my coach and teammates that not only was I not going to be returning for the rest of the season, but I was done forever.

It took me a long time to accept that I could no longer play this game that had been such a big part of my life.

Now, after hearing about all the concern and all the debilitating injuries and deaths due to concussions, I have an even greater appreciation for my parents and my doctor who thought about my future when I was only thinking about the next game. Even though I hated it then, I am so thankful they made that decision for me. I am so thankful that they weren't willing to give in to my desire for immediate happiness in exchange for my long term happiness. I'm thankful that my parents and doctor where aware of the consequences of head injuries 11 years ago. The knowledge of concussions and their side effects is not knew, it has simply been ignored and those involved in athletics have been under educated about the dangers of concussions.

So really the point of this story is for the parents and loved ones of athletes. Don't ignore the symptoms of concussion after a head injury. Always be over cautious when it comes to head injuries. Moms, don't ignore your instincts. Take your kid to the doc and don't let your kid talk you into letting him/her play until the doctor says it's okay. Don't be afraid to pull them off the field if they start to have a headache or if they just don't feel right. Don't be afraid to actually be a parent. That's your job. They'll get over it and it might take a while, but eventually they'll be thankful that you did. It's been 11 years since my parents said I couldn't play anymore and while I've known for most of that time that they were right and it was the best decision to make; I've only recently become thankful for that decision.

Play, have fun, and be safe.

Merry Christmas,
~RLJ

A certain kind of crazy

         I read an editorial column in one of the local papers today that talked about living in and loving our state. The author, Dustin Hughes, discusses the fact that the state of Oklahoma (the land, not the government) doesn't want us here. He brings up how Oklahoma continuously throws tornados, poison ivy, copperheads, 104-degree summers (106 by my thermometer) and some questionable politicians at us. Mr. Hughes also mentions how Oklahoma "nearly succeeded in kicking us all out in the 30s as the Dust Bowl, combined with the Great Depression, drove many families to California"  He says it takes a certain amount of crazy to love this place, and he's right.

        Growing up I heard several friends talk of how they couldn't wait to get out of Oklahoma. Through the wonder of Facebook I have managed to "catch up" with many of them and for the most part the majority of them are still here in Oklahoma. Many have never left. I was one of the few that did get out of Oklahoma, however, when I left I always knew I would be coming back. When asked why I would want to go back to Oklahoma I could only answer one thing, "because it's a part of me and you can't just leave a piece of yourself lying around somewhere while you venture off to other places."  That answer is still true, but there's more to it now. 

         As I've aged and matured over the years and as things and people have changed around me, I've come to recognize a couple of things. The 1st being that I am a city girl and I would do just fine in a large metropolis. The 2nd is that inspite of number 1, I still LOVE living in Oklahoma. I love that the Arkansas River is wide and lazy as it meanders through this part of the country. At times it even seems to stand still. It is a perfect illustration of why I love Oklahoma. You see, here in Oklahoma, life moves a little bit slower than it does other places, especially in a large city. It's not because we're slow people or country bumpkins. It's because, on some level just a little bit more than others, we know how to enjoy life without all the bells and whistles of the city. We enjoy those things, but we also know how to slow life down and sit in one place all day long waiting to catch a fish and if no fish are caught, it is usually still considered a good day.

      Occasionally we do get a little more starstruck with celebrities, we might not always understand what the city folk are talking about, it takes us a year or more to catch up on the latest fashion trends, and yes, sometimes we add an extra syllable (or two) to our words. But you know what, that extra syllable stretches out the word and slows us down. It helps us stop to enjoy the sunset, it's how we can smell when it's going to rain, it's why we go outside to see if the weather man's right when he says a tornado's coming, and it's why we can spot the big dipper and then debate whether or not it's actually the little dipper while driving down an old, quiet highway.

      Yes I'm a city girl, but you can keep your bustling, never sleeps cities. I'll come visit every now and then, but I love the slow pace of Oklahoma and if that makes me a little insane, well then, I guess I am a certain kind of crazy.