Have fun at The Party Steph. I'll see you later.

I write tonight with a heavy heart that is both sad with grief and full of joy at the same time. My dear friend, Stephanie, lost her fight with cancer this evening. She was a great soul who filled the room with life. My sadness stems from the knowledge she is no longer here with us and for the heartache her husband, siblings, and parents must be feeling. The Bible tels me that Joy comes in the morning. This, I celebrate. Stephanie is chillin' with the Savior, the One who has Victory over death. I love my Heavenly Father so much more tonight knowing He has finally brought healing to Steph's body.

I will remember our days at UofA together. Bible study and Thursday night dinners in the union. I will remember her running barefoot through the snow while on a mission trip to Detroit. I will remember how beautiful she was on her wedding day. I will remember her generosity and her humor. I will remember her friendship forever.

Have fun at The Party Steph. I'll see you later.

I Can't Stand It!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I Can't Stand It! Stop listening to people and start listening to God. He'll tell you who's true and who's false. Be slow to speak and quick to listen especially if you've been doing most of the talking.

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog, but I'm just so sick of some of the things that have been going on lately.  A large number of vulnerable hearts have fallen victim to this tragedy that has been built by gossip, anger, lies, and confusion. My fear is that so many of them allowed their feelings to control their reaction. You can't allow your feelings to dictate your decisions, because feelings can be easily steered in the wrong direction.

My problem is not with what has happened. I have tried to move on. However, it is difficult to move on from this because others refuse to. They keep talking about it and they're talking about it in a manner that clearly states which side of the line they want to be standing on. Yet some of them, just can't bring themselves to commit to their side. They keep stradling the fence. I don't care which side you've chosen, but stay or go. If you stay, be supportive of those on that side of the line. If you go, be supportive of the ones that are standing with you. Most importantly, STOP TRASHING THE OTHER SIDE!

This whole mess is creating undue stress in my life. Stress is one thing I have to limit or else my physical health will be affected. So if you can't be supportive, then just keep your mouth shut. The Bible tells us to be slow to speak and quick to listen. If we would all practice that instruction more often, we probably wouldn't even be in this mess.

What am I doing? Or, should I be doing this?

What am I doing? Or Should I be doing this?

Writing. It's not necessarily my greatest talent, but then again maybe it is and I'm just not aware of it yet.
The past few days I've felt the need to put some thoughts down on paper (or screen as the case may be). The last time I felt like this I was a freshman in college and the Twin Towers had just crumbled to the ground like a house of cards. My point is that I don't often get the urge to write which makes me believe I'm not a writer. Then a few recent conversations filter through my brain and I start to wonder. Do I really have nothing to say or am I keeping a wealth of knowledge and wisdom the Lord has bestowed upon me to myself? If the answer is the latter of the two, then why?
People often comment about how quiet I am or that I don't say much. Some people are extremely irritated by this personality trait of mine. They just can't stand that I'm not speaking my mind. I have to wonder what is in my head that makes my opinions and thoughts so important to them. Most of the time, I don't say anything because I truly have nothing to add to the conversation. Other times, I don’t say what I’m thinking because it will most likely come across as hurtful or mean. I don’t intend to be hurtful or mean, but I hate apologizing because of my opinion. If you ask me what I think and I answer, I don’t believe you are allowed to be hurt or offended by what I say. Yet too many times I’ve given my opinion and somebody ends up hurt by my words. This makes me hold them even closer to my heart. I don’t want to hurt someone. Not because I’m a people pleaser, which I am, but because it is not my goal or job to tear someone down or step on their dreams. It is not my job to judge others. The Lord Himself will tell us if we’ve made him proud or if we should have done it differently. In my world, His opinion is the only one that I should be truly concerned with and that is why I don’t understand why people are so curious to know what I think.
Allow me for a moment to contradict that last statement, because I should be concerned about what others think of me. What if I’m the only picture of Jesus that they get to see or hear? How do I want my Savior, my King to be portrayed? So, yes, I should care about what others think of me. I want and need Him to be my reflection to the world, otherwise those words I tuck under my tongue come out and people do get hurt. That’s not my job here.
Okay, back to writing, thinking, and speaking. I don’t write much, I don’t speak much, and now that I think about it, I don’t think much either. I try not to contemplate on life and the world too much because it just invites stress and worry about things I cannot change. So most of the time when I don’t speak, it’s because what ever the topic of choice is, I don’t really think about it much and thus truly have nothing to say about it. I try to live my life a moment at a time, each second as it comes to me. This is probably a great contributor to the reason that at two months shy of 27, I still don’t feel like a grown-up.
When I am asked a question and have time to think and choose my words carefully, I do try to give my best answer. Often times these responses are greeted with something like “wow, she doesn’t speak very often, but when she does it’s so wise” or something similar. People seem amazed that this quiet person sitting on the end of the couch who hardly ever speaks can dole out such wisdom. Especially when that quiet person at the end of the couch isn’t married, has never even been in a serious relationship, doesn’t have children, and still lives at home with mom and dad. That’s okay though. I probably wouldn’t think they knew much about photography if they’ve never picked up more than a point and shoot camera. So, I guess it balances out. Neither they nor I are right though. I do know a bit about human nature and the dynamic of relationships, and just because someone has never picked up a camera doesn’t mean they don’t know what would make a good photograph.
I’m sorry if I’ve rambled a little bit. I don’t know why I ramble, it’s not me. I think it comes from people trying to force me to talk more. I’m just not much of a talker. I never have been. Holding a conversation with people, even with my best friend, is awkward for me. There, I said it. I am socially awkward. I always have been. While I am a relatively intelligent person and once upon a time I was a pretty fantastic athlete (if I do say so myself), I seem to have made my way in life on the wings of a friendly smile. For some reason, as a child I did not talk unless I was spoken to first. This is not something my parents taught me, so I don’t know where I picked it up from. But for as long as I can remember, I’ve heard those same comments about being quiet; and I guess it has just stuck with me over the years.
Back to what this is all about. I try to contemplate life, I really do. Honestly though, when I do start to contemplate life my mind almost always goes blank. I think this is a gift from God. Really I do. The biggest issues and concerns in my life are typically related to my health, an area of my life I’ve given over to God. I think He doesn’t allow these things to enter my mind when I start to contemplate life because He knows it will only cause me stress and worry.
The things that do come to my mind are about what’s missing. This might get a little confusing so hold on. Nothing is missing from my life because I have all I need in Jesus, but there are things I’m missing. They are things He wants for me. I’m either not listening hard enough or I’m not recognizing something that is blocking me from Him. So, I wonder, am I a writer? As I write this I keep asking myself what am I doing? Or, should I be doing this? I’m still not convinced I’m a writer. These bothersome thoughts that provoke inches of words to appear on my screen come few and far between. Who would even take this journey through my mind? What is it that I’m supposed to be doing?

Something inside

Something strange happened to me this weekend. It was just after 1:00 am Sunday morning when my brother called to tell us not to go anywhere because of a large structural fire downtown. He's a firefighter, so he knows these things. As soon as I heard the words as my sister was relaying the message, I could feel my eyes light up. I put my shoes on, threw on a jacket, grabbed my keys and camera and stopped. Even though I am 26 years old, I still felt the need to ask my mom if I could go to the scene and take some pictures. Her only words to me were "don't get arrested," so I was out the door.

I drove downtown and got as close as I could without getting in the way. I stood across the street and started clicking away. Suddenly I felt something inside of me that hasn't been there in several years. I essentially gave up photojournalism when I graduated high school. I took a few classes in college and even had a photo land on the front page of the UofA student paper. However, it just wasn't the same feeling I had while capturing all those moments of life around Charles Page High. It seems the thing within me that drives my love of photography had been hibernating for the last eight years or so. While photographing the fire last night that part of me came alive again. I had no idea how much I missed that feeling.

I don't know what all this means, because I don't think working for a publication is in my future. Maybe it is and I'm not getting the message. Anyway, here are some shots from the fire.

Iron Will

I thoroughly enjoy the little company named netflix. You can rent all kinds of movies from new releases to old black and whites. The best part is they come straight to your mailbox.

Our most recent flick to arrive at the door is Iron Will. I love this movie. It's about a teenage boy who sets out to win a dog-sled race so he can use the prize-money to save his family's farm and pay for college after the death of his father leaves his family financially strained.


During the film Will is given two pieces of advice: 1. run more, sleep less. and 2. When you come to face the thing you fear, trust the Creator.

As children of God we are blessed in the fact that we have nothing to fear. The problem is that so many of us struggle with fear every day. We are afraid of being alone, afraid of death, afraid of losing financial stability, afraid of not being accepted. Fear is a major player in our lives. As much as our hearts know we have nothing to fear, somehow the signal gets lost between our heart and our brain.

Another movie quote says that "courage is not the absence of fear, but rather, the knowledge that something else is more important than the fear."

Courage and Trust: the two go hand in hand. It takes courage to trust someone or something. Inevitably though, what we put our trust in will let us down. That is unless we follow the advice given in Iron Will--Trust the Creator. He may tell us no or make us wait on His timing every now and then, and He tells us that life as a member of His family will come with hard times and trials; however, He will be right there with us through it all. He will hold our hand to guide us and if need be He will pick us up and carry us through the flames. God will always be there. He won't let us down. So when you come face to face with the thing you fear most, Trust the Creator and he will light your path.